A buyout or two will happen before June 30

Daryl Katz will soon have a lot in common with American TV network NBC. 

The network spent tens of millions in cash — wastefully, I might add — to buyout TV talk show star Conan O’Brien and his Team Coco. Possibly, it was a polite way to replace him with old-school late-night host Jay Leno, but it wasn’t the right move.

Yup, O’Brien got screwed, and Leno is, well, Leno. But good things did happen for Team Coco. O’Brien is hosting a late-night talk show on another network and everyone lived happily ever after.

The story, on the other hand for the Edmonton Oilers, will take a new twist beginning tomorrow for a two-week long drama.

Sometime between tomorrow and June 30, Steve Tambellini could go to Daryl Katz and beg him to sign off three gigantic cheques to buyout a trio of forwards who have been absolutely dismal. That trio is none other than captain Ethan Moreau, Patrick O’Sullivan and Robert Nilsson.

And just like NBC, a big buyout is a waste of money for the Oilers because it was management who agreed to sign Patrick O’Sullivan to $2.95 million, or signing Nilsson to $2 million after being hot for one half of a season. Thank you, Kevin Lowe.

Expect a buyout or two to happen during or after the NHL Entry Draft June 25. Tambo will try to make a trade to dump O’Sullivan or Nilsson at the draft, but that won’t happen.

On the other hand, Toronto might bite on O’Sullivan simply because the Leafs are in dire need of forwards, but that’s a very, very long shot.

OH CAPTAIN, BYE CAPTAIN

Keep in mind, buying out both of those contracts will shave close to $5 million off the cap and odds are Moreau and his $2 million salary will be traded for a third or fourth round draft pick to a contending team that’s desperate for some grit. Now there’s an easy salary dump.

A team like the Boston Bruins might consider taking on a player like Moreau, especially after blowing a three game series lead to the Philadelphia Flyers in the Eastern Final.

The Flyers physically dominated the injury-plagued Bruins, and a player like Moreau could have been a difference, especially on the penalty kill. 

And after Boston drafts Taylor Hall (yup, that’s a blog post I’m working on for tomorrow), Moreau would be a great third or fourth line addition in Beantown.

Or there’s the Washington Capitals, a team that was in dire need of leadership in Game 7 of the opening round of the playoffs against the Montreal Canadians.

With the three contracts gone, the Oilers have plenty of cushion room when it comes to next season’s salary cap, so long term, they can afford to keep their young stars by signing them to long-term contracts. That’s if Tambo and Katz are smart about it.

By the way, go Team Coco.

-AR-

Will this season ever end?

Someone e-mailed this to me today, so I thought I would share this on the Oil Patch.

I don't really know who wrote it, but it appears it's an e-mail that went viral. Think of this as the Onion covering the Edmonton Oilers.

So here it is:

Oilers Lose Skills Competition


The Edmonton Oilers lost their own skills competition for the first time in NHL history this week.

“I know we are having a rough season, this is getting out of hand,” said Oilers Coach Pat Quinn.

Highlights from the exhibition were Sheldon Souray getting injured when the Zamboni ran over him, Zack Stortini assaulting Gene Principe at center ice for no reason, and Robert Nilsson missing 20 for 20 in the shooting accuracy competition.


Horcoff First Player Traded to 29 Teams


After months of trying, the Edmonton Oilers were finally able to move disappointing center Shawn Horcoff.

On Wednesday, Horcoff became property of 29 other teams, after a league committee decided that cost-sharing between all teams was the only way to justify his salary.

Horcoff’s contract comes with a cap hit of $5.5 million per season.

“We look forward to having Shawn in our line-up almost as much as we look forward to seeing him suit up for rival teams,” quipped Barry Trotz, head coach of the Nashville Predators.

In return for Horcoff, the Oilers received the rights to Alexei Yashin.

Oilers Select “Some Guy” 4th at NHL Entry Draft


Even though the Oilers finished 30th in the league this season, the team drew a disappointing fourth overall at the 2010 NHL Entry Draft lottery.

Boston, who had first selection thanks to a brain cramp by Toronto GM Brian Burke, selected Center Taylor Hall.

Carolina used their second pick to select American standout Defenseman Cam Fowler, and Columbus, with the third overall pick, selected Canadian junior Tyler Seguin.

The Oilers drafting fourth overall, selected Some Guy, from the Pawtucket Loyalists of the Western Florida League.

“We’ve watched Some Guy all season, and we truly believe he will be a great asset to the Springfield Falcons for the next 12 seasons,” beamed Oilers Assistant GM Kevin Prendergast.

Guy, who plays left-wing, is 5’ 6”, 126 pounds, and has yet to start shaving.



Trade Deadline Filled with Heartache and Disappointment


Disappointed Oiler fans who prayed for yet another miracle at the trade deadline were crushed to learn management continued their streak of sucking under pressure.

While names like Nilsson, Grebeshkov and Souray remained on the roster by the end of deadline day, the Oilers were far from inactive, completing a number of deals.

Ales Hemsky is on the move, dealt to the New York Islanders for Rob Schremp.

“The moment I saw that YouTube video of Schremp scoring with a baseball swing, I knew he was just the man to turn the offense around in Edmonton,” exclaimed Oilers GM Steve Tambellini.

In another deal, the Oilers dealt Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson, and Sam Gagner to the Detroit Red Wings for the rights to Dominic Hasek.

“He’s going to be in the Hall of Fame someday,” remarked Tambellini, with an evil grin.

Grebeshkov Signs 16 year/$160 Million Contract


Oiler fans can rest easy now: Denis Grebeshkov isn’t going anywhere.

The Oilers made Grebeshkov the richest man in the NHL, by rewarding his physically superior defensive-zone mastery with a contract that will see him in Edmonton until he is in his 40s.

Oiler fans, delirious with joy at the news, rioted on Whyte Avenue long into the night.

“I predict at least eight Stanley Cups,” cried Jason Thomas, 19. “Excuse me now as I need to barf in that mailbox!”

Edmonton Mayor Stephen Mandel estimates the damage to stores on Edmonton’s busiest street to reach over $23 million.

“It’s a small price to pay for the success of our beloved hockey team,” quipped Mandel.

Katz Renames Rexall Place to “The Pill”

Rexall Place is no more. Say hello to “The Pill.”

“It’s round, and from a helicopter, it looks just like a pill you could buy from one of my drug stores,” stated Daryl Katz, owner of the Edmonton Oilers.

“Personally, I love the name,” explained Kevin Lowe, President of Hockey Operations for the Oilers.

“Every time I see the Oilers play, I feel like taking a pill. Sometimes several. So now The Pill will take people. About 16,300 each home game.”

When asked if Katz has considered names for the proposed downtown arena, Lowe said considered names include The Tablet, The Capsule, and The Tube of Anti-Fungal Cream.

Losing Tambo and Lowe answers everything

For those who keep logging on here wondering why I haven’t typed anything on this blog since the first game of the season, I have news for you: Who cares?

The Oilers are bottom-feeders in the NHL, their farm team (the Springfield Falcons) is in the basement, and the farm team’s farm team (the Stockton Thunder) is in second last place in its league.

These are, indeed, bad times in Edmonton.

But the sad thing is many saw this coming. As soon as training camp began, many players were on the payroll with hefty contracts.

There were talks and rumours about players needing to be shaved off the roster even before training camp, but Oilers GM Steve Tambellini opted to keep all of them while adding Mike Comrie for $1 million.

With the amount of payroll, the Oilers should be a first place team on paper or a Stanley Cup contender, but this is a team Kevin Lowe wanted to keep together since 2006 and now the results come with a record of 16-25-5.

To those that look and the glass half full, last place in the NHL is good enough for a lottery pick, but having Taylor Hall playing with bright prospects like Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Anton Lander won’t be a big enough fix for this team.

Once this long and horrific season is said and done, Tambellini will have to work hard in signing coveted restricted free agents like Sam Gagner and Andrew Cogliano. That won’t be easy since this team is so close to the cap.

And there is someone running a team in Toronto who still has a grudge about how Dustin Penner was taken from the Anaheim Ducks.

Tambellini can’t just get rid of players for cap space simply because no one wants them.

Patrick O’Sullivan, who is really struggling this season, comes with a $2.95 million cap hit. Then there’s Tom Gilbert with his $4 million cap hit, and same thing with Steve Staios at $2.7 million. No GM in the league wants these players with those kinds of contracts.

The team’s blueline alone comes with a $22 million cap hit, and I won’t bother talking about Shawn Horcoff’s contract. That’s like beating a dead horse.

The only thing that’s going to be a solid fix for this team is a major shake up in upper management. Tambellini and Lowe must resign after promising to build a team destined for the playoffs.

But as long as Daryl Katz owns this team, fans can expect to see Lowe for a long time as the team’s president of hockey operations, and the same can be said about Tambellini.

Katz and Lowe are longtime buddies. Their friendship is full of bro-mance, but fans won’t be putting up with it much longer. They will be mad as hell and they won't take it anymore.

Not a smart move by the Oilers, but Hilary Duff could be playing more shows in E-town!

Kevin Lowe and, lately, Steve Tambellini were both always able to swing a deal or two on Trade Deadline Day simply because they both played it safe by giving themselves plenty of wiggle room in salary cap space.

With Mike Comrie now inked, and some other large contracts, the Oilers are now automatic sellers when it comes to this season’s trade deadline.

Picture this: The Oilers are fighting with Nashville, Vancouver, and maybe, say Calgary for a playoff spot and Team X is looking for it’s long term interests as it struggles all season.

Team X has a star forward who can score goals and that player wants out of town to play for a playoff bound team, but he’s a cap hit at $5 million.

While Comrie does come cheap at a cap hit of $1.125 million, the Oilers are now, officially, $800,000 over the $56.8 million salary cap.

Tambellini can’t pull off a deal with Team X even if he axed a player in his roster — something that he must do before Oct. 1.

Scuttlebutt says Robert Nilsson is the player Tambellini is looking to ship out of town, but Nilsson is only a $2 million cap hit. It’s still not enough to make an impact trade during the season.

And forget about Dustin Penner, Penner haters. You can’t ship out a big-sized player from a team that lacks size.

Yes, I’m happy for Comrie. He did a lot of growing up since he parted ways with the City of Champions. It’s nice to see he’s home and the fans will forgive him.

They won’t forgive Tambellini and Lowe, however, because Comrie just adds to a giant mess for the Oilers coaching staff.

Tambellini said it himself after firing Craig MacTavish. He told a packed room of reporters that this team lacks size and grit — a reason why this Comrie deal doesn’t make sense.

Now the Oilers have a bunch of small, 30 to 50-point players (Ales Hemsky, Comrie, Patrick O’Sullivan) and other players who are known for their speed (Gilbert Brule, Rob Schremp, etc.).

To make four solid lines out of what the roster is now would be like digging through a rain forest for Patt Quinn. You won’t have one or two solid checking lines with this team — the Oilers are too small.

With Comrie’s addition, here’s what Pat Quinn might do to:

LINE 1 : Comrie, Horcoff, Hemsky

LINE 2 : O’Sullivan, Gagner, Penner

LINE 3: Moreau, Cogliano, Pisani

LINE 4: Nilsson, Brule, Pouliot

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN: Schremp, Jacques, Stortini, Eberle, MacIntyre, and many, many more prospect forwards.

Comrie is a good news story for the Oilers after its struggles with the Dany Heatley saga, but fans and hockey pundits are wondering how Comrie will fit in the roster.

Makes you wonder why Tambo inked Comrie in the first place?

The silence is over, but the questions continue

Dany Heatley has spoken and as expected, his words didn’t move mountains.

The City of Champions was not an option for Heatley because “it was the only option,” he said during a teleconference call today.

Are you scratching your head right now after reading that? Edmonton wasn’t an option because it was the only option? What?

That’s like an airplane pilot opting to sit in his chair and give up, even though pressing the eject button is his only option before it crashes.

“This has nothing to do with Edmonton, this has everything to do with options,” said Heatley who refused to answer why Edmonton wasn’t a good enough fit.

Heatley confirmed Edmonton wasn’t on his list of his preferred teams even though Edmonton was the only team publicly interested in the 50-plus-goal scorer.

“I thought we has some good talks with (Steve Tambellini and Kevin Lowe), but we (Heatley and his two agents) wanted options, said Heatley.

“I needed options in order to make the right decision.”

Heatley says he maintained his silence since news broke about his trade request from Ottawa because he never wanted to make his request public.

(Actually he was told to talk to the media before he laces up at the Hockey Canada Olympic orientation camp in Calgary Monday)

And Heatley says he wanted out of Ottawa because he wants to be an “integral” part of the Ottawa Senators, something he feels has “diminished” since he inked his name to a contract two years ago.

“I regret the way it’s been this summer. It’s been a tough summer. It hasn’t been fair, especially to Edmonton and Ottawa but that’s the way it went,” said Heatley.

No it hasn’t, especially in Edmonton.

Fans here still don’t know why Edmonton is not a destination for superstars. It’s a city where hockey fans have had their hearts broken over and over again every summer.

They’re tired of the Prongers, the Nylanders, and now the Heatleys.

If a player doesn’t want to be in Edmonton, or wants out of Edmonton, he should show some balls and explain why the city isn’t the right place. Or why the team is not the right fit.

That’s all we want to hear. Be honest. Tell us Edmonton is a shithole if that's the reason you don't want to stay or come here.

The Heatley saga is over, Tambo. Now go and enjoy your summer

Say it ain’t so, Steve.

You say it’s finally over between the Edmonton Oilers, the Ottawa Senators, and disgruntled hockey star Dany Heatley in working out a deal.

But, Steve, why give up now?

You and Kevin Lowe only paid Heatley a visit at his summer home once in Kelowna to convince him to play for the copper and blue. That wasn’t so successful.

Your rich boss paid cash to send someone to his summer home a few weeks later to deliver him a special video package of how great the Oilers really are.

Now all of a sudden you announce your decision to throw in the towel yesterday.

Why not keep trying? Why not send some Edmonton women his way? You know — those women that you see along 118 Avenue.

Your boss has a lot of cash. Why not send a Hummer or a high priced vehicle his way?

Heck. Why not put on a French maid dress and clean up his summer home? That right there would convince him to come to Edmonton.

Give me a break.

Trying to swing a trade for a guy who wants out of his town because he doesn’t like his ice-time is one thing. Trying to play desperate to get him is another.

Meanwhile, the only thing that has been upgraded with this team is your coaching staff and your goaltending situation so far this off-season. Kudos to you on that.

While you were begging, you and your crew lost one of your only two players who was over 50 per cent on the faceoff circle in Kyle Brodziak. Then you lost Ales Kotalik to the Rangers.

The offence really didn’t upgrade, in fact, it's a step backwards. Don't forget, this is the same team that has missed the playoffs three years in a row and it's the same offence that produced little on the faceoff circle, which led to an atrocious powerplay and penalty kill last season.

We also remember that "culture change" speech the day you announced Craig MacTavish was no longer head coach for the copper and blue. What you have done so far this summer isn't much of a culture change when it comes to your offence.

Now, here we are in August — the peak when it comes to the dog days of summer. You more than likely don’t want to be by your phone. You probably want to hang out in your summer cottage somewhere, like everyone else does in the league.

Enjoy your summer, Steve. Relax and take it easy.

After all, your going to need it come October, or later in the year when the Oilers miss another round of playoffs.

It's all uphill from here for Dustin

It was a deal to dream about in Edmonton after a rotten season. At least according to many, and I mean many, fans of the Oilers.

You’ve heard the talk before.

“You mean we have to give up a promising young hockey player, a dependable defenseman and a sack of hockey pucks for a guy like Dany Heatley? That’s fucking awesome, eh!”

Yeah, well it didn’t happen. Andrew Cogliano was left wondering where he was going to play come training camp.

There’s also Ladislav Smid who was probably thinking the same thing at his summer home in the Czech Republic or wherever he hangs out during the off-season.

Then there’s Dustin Penner. Need I say more?

Penner, who was scorned by fans and Craig MacTavish all season long, had a lot of expectations ever since Kevin Lowe stole him from the Anaheim Ducks.

Well, it wasn’t quite a steal. It was more like a hostile takeover as Lowe signed the restricted free agent to a five year $21.25 million offer sheet back in July 2007.

It was a big salary for a guy who only had one good season — something Oiler fans will never forget.

Ever since he was signed as an Oiler, Penner has done it all for the copper and blue. He’s played on the first line one night, played on the fourth line another night, and then he watches a few games from the press box. Maybe he had to diversify to earn his annual $4.25 million.

Penner was the Tin Man and Fat Albert all rolled into one in Craig MacTavish’s eyes, and everybody knew about it.

The coach would lash out by saying Penner had no heart on the ice and the fact that he’s a lard ass.

Ah, memories.

With training camp only a month or two away, could it get any worse for Penner? Maybe not.

MacTavish is gone. Pat Quinn and Tom Renney are in. And new coaches could mean a new outlook for the troubled left-winger.

Penner might also play like a man on a mission each game as he may have something to prove to Oiler fans and to prove how wrong MacT was in lashing out at him.

Who knows? But he does have 4.25 million reasons to not suck down pop and inhale cheeseburgers this summer. Everyone in the City of Champions knows that.

You were screwed by Heatley. Now show some balls!

Getting a massive coaching team assembled was a step in the right direction this summer for the Oilers and so was the move to solidify its goaltending situation for at least the next three to five years.

Locking Denis Grebeshkov to a one-year $3 million contract was also a smart move.

But acting desperate to lure a malcontent hockey star all summer long is embarrassing.

Dany Heatley obviously doesn’t want to play here, nor does he want to play with his teammates in Ottawa.

Heatley wants to be with a contending hockey team, a team like the San Jose Sharks where GM Doug Wilson wants to make a major shakeup with his roster.

His mind is set and his silence says it all. Heatley hasn’t gone public about his actions up to this point because he’s scared about pissing off Canadian hockey fans, especially in Alberta.

But Kevin Lowe, Steve Tambellini and company are obviously not good at taking any hints and they should have bruises on their knees with the amount of begging they have done this summer.

Flying to Kelowna to Heatley’s summer home was fine to avoid a looming deadline back in July 1, but to pay someone money to deliver a video package last week to his agent is absolutely absurd.

The video was supposed to show off players like Ales Hemsky and Sam Gagner, according to Dan Barnes with the Edmonton Journal last week.

That same DVD is more than likely unopened as it continues to sit on Heatley’s kitchen counter.

He probably hasn’t had time to watch it. He’s too busy riding his motorboat in the Okanagan or he’s too busy shooting hockey pucks into an empty net in his backyard.

They would have been better off sending the 40-plus goal scorer a soother with an Oilers logo on it.

(Sigh.)

Instead of begging, Tambellini should ring him out in front of the press. Show some balls for Pete’s sake.

This player has strung along two NHL teams. He demanded a trade, but he has a list of preferred teams like a six-year-old’s Christmas wish list for Santa.

And guess what? Edmonton is not on his list.

Fans are fed up about the saga, so after trying to please a spoiled rotten NHL superstar, it’s time Tambellini should go to the fans and say “we’re sorry we couldn’t lure Heatley, and here’s why…”

There are other teams out there looking to unload talent because of the salary cap and the economic situation. Why focus on one player this whole time?

Time to move on.