Will this season ever end?

Someone e-mailed this to me today, so I thought I would share this on the Oil Patch.

I don't really know who wrote it, but it appears it's an e-mail that went viral. Think of this as the Onion covering the Edmonton Oilers.

So here it is:

Oilers Lose Skills Competition


The Edmonton Oilers lost their own skills competition for the first time in NHL history this week.

“I know we are having a rough season, this is getting out of hand,” said Oilers Coach Pat Quinn.

Highlights from the exhibition were Sheldon Souray getting injured when the Zamboni ran over him, Zack Stortini assaulting Gene Principe at center ice for no reason, and Robert Nilsson missing 20 for 20 in the shooting accuracy competition.


Horcoff First Player Traded to 29 Teams


After months of trying, the Edmonton Oilers were finally able to move disappointing center Shawn Horcoff.

On Wednesday, Horcoff became property of 29 other teams, after a league committee decided that cost-sharing between all teams was the only way to justify his salary.

Horcoff’s contract comes with a cap hit of $5.5 million per season.

“We look forward to having Shawn in our line-up almost as much as we look forward to seeing him suit up for rival teams,” quipped Barry Trotz, head coach of the Nashville Predators.

In return for Horcoff, the Oilers received the rights to Alexei Yashin.

Oilers Select “Some Guy” 4th at NHL Entry Draft


Even though the Oilers finished 30th in the league this season, the team drew a disappointing fourth overall at the 2010 NHL Entry Draft lottery.

Boston, who had first selection thanks to a brain cramp by Toronto GM Brian Burke, selected Center Taylor Hall.

Carolina used their second pick to select American standout Defenseman Cam Fowler, and Columbus, with the third overall pick, selected Canadian junior Tyler Seguin.

The Oilers drafting fourth overall, selected Some Guy, from the Pawtucket Loyalists of the Western Florida League.

“We’ve watched Some Guy all season, and we truly believe he will be a great asset to the Springfield Falcons for the next 12 seasons,” beamed Oilers Assistant GM Kevin Prendergast.

Guy, who plays left-wing, is 5’ 6”, 126 pounds, and has yet to start shaving.



Trade Deadline Filled with Heartache and Disappointment


Disappointed Oiler fans who prayed for yet another miracle at the trade deadline were crushed to learn management continued their streak of sucking under pressure.

While names like Nilsson, Grebeshkov and Souray remained on the roster by the end of deadline day, the Oilers were far from inactive, completing a number of deals.

Ales Hemsky is on the move, dealt to the New York Islanders for Rob Schremp.

“The moment I saw that YouTube video of Schremp scoring with a baseball swing, I knew he was just the man to turn the offense around in Edmonton,” exclaimed Oilers GM Steve Tambellini.

In another deal, the Oilers dealt Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson, and Sam Gagner to the Detroit Red Wings for the rights to Dominic Hasek.

“He’s going to be in the Hall of Fame someday,” remarked Tambellini, with an evil grin.

Grebeshkov Signs 16 year/$160 Million Contract


Oiler fans can rest easy now: Denis Grebeshkov isn’t going anywhere.

The Oilers made Grebeshkov the richest man in the NHL, by rewarding his physically superior defensive-zone mastery with a contract that will see him in Edmonton until he is in his 40s.

Oiler fans, delirious with joy at the news, rioted on Whyte Avenue long into the night.

“I predict at least eight Stanley Cups,” cried Jason Thomas, 19. “Excuse me now as I need to barf in that mailbox!”

Edmonton Mayor Stephen Mandel estimates the damage to stores on Edmonton’s busiest street to reach over $23 million.

“It’s a small price to pay for the success of our beloved hockey team,” quipped Mandel.

Katz Renames Rexall Place to “The Pill”

Rexall Place is no more. Say hello to “The Pill.”

“It’s round, and from a helicopter, it looks just like a pill you could buy from one of my drug stores,” stated Daryl Katz, owner of the Edmonton Oilers.

“Personally, I love the name,” explained Kevin Lowe, President of Hockey Operations for the Oilers.

“Every time I see the Oilers play, I feel like taking a pill. Sometimes several. So now The Pill will take people. About 16,300 each home game.”

When asked if Katz has considered names for the proposed downtown arena, Lowe said considered names include The Tablet, The Capsule, and The Tube of Anti-Fungal Cream.

You were screwed by Heatley. Now show some balls!

Getting a massive coaching team assembled was a step in the right direction this summer for the Oilers and so was the move to solidify its goaltending situation for at least the next three to five years.

Locking Denis Grebeshkov to a one-year $3 million contract was also a smart move.

But acting desperate to lure a malcontent hockey star all summer long is embarrassing.

Dany Heatley obviously doesn’t want to play here, nor does he want to play with his teammates in Ottawa.

Heatley wants to be with a contending hockey team, a team like the San Jose Sharks where GM Doug Wilson wants to make a major shakeup with his roster.

His mind is set and his silence says it all. Heatley hasn’t gone public about his actions up to this point because he’s scared about pissing off Canadian hockey fans, especially in Alberta.

But Kevin Lowe, Steve Tambellini and company are obviously not good at taking any hints and they should have bruises on their knees with the amount of begging they have done this summer.

Flying to Kelowna to Heatley’s summer home was fine to avoid a looming deadline back in July 1, but to pay someone money to deliver a video package last week to his agent is absolutely absurd.

The video was supposed to show off players like Ales Hemsky and Sam Gagner, according to Dan Barnes with the Edmonton Journal last week.

That same DVD is more than likely unopened as it continues to sit on Heatley’s kitchen counter.

He probably hasn’t had time to watch it. He’s too busy riding his motorboat in the Okanagan or he’s too busy shooting hockey pucks into an empty net in his backyard.

They would have been better off sending the 40-plus goal scorer a soother with an Oilers logo on it.

(Sigh.)

Instead of begging, Tambellini should ring him out in front of the press. Show some balls for Pete’s sake.

This player has strung along two NHL teams. He demanded a trade, but he has a list of preferred teams like a six-year-old’s Christmas wish list for Santa.

And guess what? Edmonton is not on his list.

Fans are fed up about the saga, so after trying to please a spoiled rotten NHL superstar, it’s time Tambellini should go to the fans and say “we’re sorry we couldn’t lure Heatley, and here’s why…”

There are other teams out there looking to unload talent because of the salary cap and the economic situation. Why focus on one player this whole time?

Time to move on.

A coaching decision is made and wow, what a deal!

There’s a lot to chew on after today, and there’s a lot of Oiler fans that more than likely feel the same way.

And so it begins.

Hiring Pat Quinn as head coach is a step in the right direction for all the right reasons. The World Junior Hockey Tournament this year proved he can lead a team with young players and he has enough experience to get job done in making sure his veteran players are at the top of their game, no matter what the score is.

Quinn, who began his hockey career during the late 1960s as a junior in Edmonton, demands a sense of respect in the dressing room and he gets it with every team he has coached.

When he calls the shots, the players will listen — something that didn’t happen this season under Craig MacTavish all because players like Dustin Penner and Ales Hemsky gave up on him.

There has never been a season where a captain has called so many player-only meetings until now, but with this shocking announcement, that’s now all in the past.

However, with a guy like Quinn, who is desperately wanting to win a Stanley Cup before he retires, he will change a player’s work ethic.

And while Quinn demands respect and enforces work ethic, he will get the help from another great hire — Tom Renney.

Renney is a technical coach, an Xs and Os bench boss who spends a lot of time with his key players to set them straight, just ask Sean Avery this season.

The New York Rangers never should have fired him in the first place, but he’s decided to take up an assistant position with the Oilers for at least a few seasons before Quinn retires. You would have to be a pretty humble guy to do something like that.

Overall, it’s obviously a one-two coaching punch for the Oil, but a big move was promoting Kelly Buchburger as an assistant. Bucky is respected around the league for working with young and talented players.

Charlie Huddy and Bill Moores are out as assistant coaches and that shouldn’t be surprise considering how awful the Oilers were on the powerplay and the penalty kill.

But GM Steve Tambellini has said the two could be offered position within the organization, possibly as scouts.

When it’s all said and done, Tambellini has assembled a massive coaching staff and he’s already proved that he alone calls the shots — not Kevin Lowe.

Now he has to focus on the draft and free-agency, but with the revamped coaching staff, don’t expect to see star players coming to Edmonton in July.

Tambellini told the Oil Patch that it will nearly be status quo on that front, and there will be more details about it in this blog tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Forget Ales, trade Horcoff!

Trade Ales Hemsky? Fuggetaboutit.

Trade Shawn Horcoff, a player set to make an astounding $6.5 million this season? Now you’re talking.

But any owner with a strong business sense would ignore any pitch from Steve Tambellini to ditch the Oilers top-line forward and his big contract.

That is, unless you’re in Tampa Bay where there are two financially-strapped owners dealing with a much larger contract and they need to do it in an awful hurry if they don’t find any more investors.

OK Hockey, led by businessmen Oren Koules and Len Barrie, bought the Lightning back in June for $206 million and $100 million of that cash was backed by the previous owner, Palace Sports Entertainment and Galatioto Sports Partners.

And since the deal, there’s been a lot of talk that things are not going well in the Bay.

For starters, the club, allegedly, began charging its workers to park at the St. Pete Times Forum and 30 employees were let go over a “restructuring process,” reports the Tampa Bay Tribune.

The team also owes at least more than $210,000 in realty taxes over a parking lot that was due since April 1, and the financial problems have created a ton of rumours, especially around the team’s star forward, Vinny Lecavalier.

Lecavalier will make $10 million for the next seven years as part of his $85 million contract extension that will kick in after July 1, complete with a no trade clause.

Now we all heard what Tambellini said about making drastic changes in the dressing room and about holding players accountable as he made his announcement about losing Craig MacTavish as head coach.

Why not make a statement by getting rid of your heart-and-soul player for a superstar, or at least just make an attempt at the NHL Draft? That’s roughly the same time after Tambellini hires a head coach.

Horcoff’s leadership could be an attractive deal in Tampa Bay where leadership is needed in that dressing room, and it could payoff for the forward who could make a difference in a new city. That’s especially after a mediocre season in Edmonton.

Lecavalier, who has been rumoured to arrive in Edmonton before, would add a lot to an offence that hasn’t existed in three seasons.

It’s obvious he would make Hemsky a better player, possibly a superstar.