Saturday, January 23, 2010

Will this season ever end?

Someone e-mailed this to me today, so I thought I would share this on the Oil Patch.

I don't really know who wrote it, but it appears it's an e-mail that went viral. Think of this as the Onion covering the Edmonton Oilers.

So here it is:

Oilers Lose Skills Competition

The Edmonton Oilers lost their own skills competition for the first time in NHL history this week.

“I know we are having a rough season, this is getting out of hand,” said Oilers Coach Pat Quinn.

Highlights from the exhibition were Sheldon Souray getting injured when the Zamboni ran over him, Zack Stortini assaulting Gene Principe at center ice for no reason, and Robert Nilsson missing 20 for 20 in the shooting accuracy competition.

Horcoff First Player Traded to 29 Teams

After months of trying, the Edmonton Oilers were finally able to move disappointing center Shawn Horcoff.

On Wednesday, Horcoff became property of 29 other teams, after a league committee decided that cost-sharing between all teams was the only way to justify his salary.

Horcoff’s contract comes with a cap hit of $5.5 million per season.

“We look forward to having Shawn in our line-up almost as much as we look forward to seeing him suit up for rival teams,” quipped Barry Trotz, head coach of the Nashville Predators.

In return for Horcoff, the Oilers received the rights to Alexei Yashin.

Oilers Select “Some Guy” 4th at NHL Entry Draft

Even though the Oilers finished 30th in the league this season, the team drew a disappointing fourth overall at the 2010 NHL Entry Draft lottery.

Boston, who had first selection thanks to a brain cramp by Toronto GM Brian Burke, selected Center Taylor Hall.

Carolina used their second pick to select American standout Defenseman Cam Fowler, and Columbus, with the third overall pick, selected Canadian junior Tyler Seguin.

The Oilers drafting fourth overall, selected Some Guy, from the Pawtucket Loyalists of the Western Florida League.

“We’ve watched Some Guy all season, and we truly believe he will be a great asset to the Springfield Falcons for the next 12 seasons,” beamed Oilers Assistant GM Kevin Prendergast.

Guy, who plays left-wing, is 5’ 6”, 126 pounds, and has yet to start shaving.

Trade Deadline Filled with Heartache and Disappointment

Disappointed Oiler fans who prayed for yet another miracle at the trade deadline were crushed to learn management continued their streak of sucking under pressure.

While names like Nilsson, Grebeshkov and Souray remained on the roster by the end of deadline day, the Oilers were far from inactive, completing a number of deals.

Ales Hemsky is on the move, dealt to the New York Islanders for Rob Schremp.

“The moment I saw that YouTube video of Schremp scoring with a baseball swing, I knew he was just the man to turn the offense around in Edmonton,” exclaimed Oilers GM Steve Tambellini.

In another deal, the Oilers dealt Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson, and Sam Gagner to the Detroit Red Wings for the rights to Dominic Hasek.

“He’s going to be in the Hall of Fame someday,” remarked Tambellini, with an evil grin.

Grebeshkov Signs 16 year/$160 Million Contract

Oiler fans can rest easy now: Denis Grebeshkov isn’t going anywhere.

The Oilers made Grebeshkov the richest man in the NHL, by rewarding his physically superior defensive-zone mastery with a contract that will see him in Edmonton until he is in his 40s.

Oiler fans, delirious with joy at the news, rioted on Whyte Avenue long into the night.

“I predict at least eight Stanley Cups,” cried Jason Thomas, 19. “Excuse me now as I need to barf in that mailbox!”

Edmonton Mayor Stephen Mandel estimates the damage to stores on Edmonton’s busiest street to reach over $23 million.

“It’s a small price to pay for the success of our beloved hockey team,” quipped Mandel.

Katz Renames Rexall Place to “The Pill”

Rexall Place is no more. Say hello to “The Pill.”

“It’s round, and from a helicopter, it looks just like a pill you could buy from one of my drug stores,” stated Daryl Katz, owner of the Edmonton Oilers.

“Personally, I love the name,” explained Kevin Lowe, President of Hockey Operations for the Oilers.

“Every time I see the Oilers play, I feel like taking a pill. Sometimes several. So now The Pill will take people. About 16,300 each home game.”

When asked if Katz has considered names for the proposed downtown arena, Lowe said considered names include The Tablet, The Capsule, and The Tube of Anti-Fungal Cream.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Losing Tambo and Lowe answers everything

For those who keep logging on here wondering why I haven’t typed anything on this blog since the first game of the season, I have news for you: Who cares?

The Oilers are bottom-feeders in the NHL, their farm team (the Springfield Falcons) is in the basement, and the farm team’s farm team (the Stockton Thunder) is in second last place in its league.

These are, indeed, bad times in Edmonton.

But the sad thing is many saw this coming. As soon as training camp began, many players were on the payroll with hefty contracts.

There were talks and rumours about players needing to be shaved off the roster even before training camp, but Oilers GM Steve Tambellini opted to keep all of them while adding Mike Comrie for $1 million.

With the amount of payroll, the Oilers should be a first place team on paper or a Stanley Cup contender, but this is a team Kevin Lowe wanted to keep together since 2006 and now the results come with a record of 16-25-5.

To those that look and the glass half full, last place in the NHL is good enough for a lottery pick, but having Taylor Hall playing with bright prospects like Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Anton Lander won’t be a big enough fix for this team.

Once this long and horrific season is said and done, Tambellini will have to work hard in signing coveted restricted free agents like Sam Gagner and Andrew Cogliano. That won’t be easy since this team is so close to the cap.

And there is someone running a team in Toronto who still has a grudge about how Dustin Penner was taken from the Anaheim Ducks.

Tambellini can’t just get rid of players for cap space simply because no one wants them.

Patrick O’Sullivan, who is really struggling this season, comes with a $2.95 million cap hit. Then there’s Tom Gilbert with his $4 million cap hit, and same thing with Steve Staios at $2.7 million. No GM in the league wants these players with those kinds of contracts.

The team’s blueline alone comes with a $22 million cap hit, and I won’t bother talking about Shawn Horcoff’s contract. That’s like beating a dead horse.

The only thing that’s going to be a solid fix for this team is a major shake up in upper management. Tambellini and Lowe must resign after promising to build a team destined for the playoffs.

But as long as Daryl Katz owns this team, fans can expect to see Lowe for a long time as the team’s president of hockey operations, and the same can be said about Tambellini.

Katz and Lowe are longtime buddies. Their friendship is full of bro-mance, but fans won’t be putting up with it much longer. They will be mad as hell and they won't take it anymore.